A Bit Nervous

This is a post that I started yesterday but never finished...Sorry that this is to text heavy.

Good Morning All, I trust your Monday is going well.  Today's post is going to be a bit of an emotional one as I am starting to address finding my birth parents again.  That, and I hurt my leg and walking around is proving to be rather difficult for me right now.  But more on that later.

I mentioned back in November that I was going to put the search to find my birth parents on hold because of the Holidays and not wanting to put that type of pressure on myself or them.  Well the Holidays have come and gone and it seems that I keep finding myself procrastinating on contacting them.

I have to be honest a say that I am scared.  I am scared to meet them. I am scared they won't want to meet me. I am scared that I have siblings. I am scared that cancer will run in my family.  I am just plain old scared. It seems like finding your birth parents and meeting them would be something of great excitement, but there are so many more emotions that go into them than you would ever guess.

Fear
Excitement
Dread
Love
Joy
Hate
Peace
Rest
Calm

I think, honestly, if I had to define the thing that scares me the most is how my life will change.  I am afraid of what will happen when I meet them, how I will change, how they will change, how my relationship with my mom will change and how my relationship with my husband will change.

Being adopted has always been a part of my life, but I have never felt that it defined who I was.  I look like my adoptive parents, I look like my mom's whole family and every.single.person in my family has accepted me as one of their own.  So for me to say that being adopted has defined me, it would be a lie.  It is a part of who I am, just like I have brown hair and hazel eyes.  It is part of the construction but is not who I am.  But pursuing this has taken something that was just part of me and has made it the biggest part of me.  And that scares me.

While searching for a picture of something that could potential depict what adoption feels or looks like, I came across this picture:

It just reminded me that above and beyond all of the things I am afraid of, my birth parents put me first.  They made the decision to give me what they felt would be the best opportunity even though it was probably a very difficult decision.  This reminded me that no matter how scary things are, they loved me enough to give me another life.

I guess we shall see what happens, huh?